A little bit of history

While working in a Child Guidance Clinic in London, a British psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst John Bowlby had the opportunity to observe the behaviour of babies and children separated from their caretaker, or what he called attachment figure. Based on his research and findings, in 1958, he proposed the Theory of Attachment. 

The theory assumes that to survive, human babies, are biologically programmed to seek and form an attachment with the primary caregiver, usually their mother. If a safe attachment is not created due to the caregiver's physical or emotional absence, this could result in long-term cognitive, social and emotional difficulties. Bowlby’s theory was proved in many subsequent studies, like the famous Bucharest Early Intervention Project, also known as the Romanian Orphan study, a long-term study following the lives of children adopted from Romanian orphanages. 

In the 1960s and 70s, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth took Bowlby's basic concepts, introduced another idea of the "secure base", and developed a theory of several attachment patterns in infants: secure, avoidant, and anxious. Another pattern, called disorganised attachment, was identified later. 

In the 1980s, the theory, which until then was only used to describe the behaviour of babies and children, was also extended to adults. Psychologists assume that the same attachment pattern created in childhood remains with us in adulthood, especially when forming intimate relationships. 

When our pain speaks

Attachment Theory can answer many questions about our behaviour when in a romantic relationship, the often puzzling behaviours of others, and answers about why some of our relationships seem to be constantly dysfunctional while others are harmonious. Why does someone bring out the best in us and someone the worst in us? 

After being introduced to it during my body-oriented Psychotherapy studies, digging deeper into the subject answered many questions, primarily about myself, my romantic (and other) relationships, and why I sometimes behaved the way I did. You know that moment where you’re arguing with someone and saying things, and a part of you is observing this theatre thinking, “what the hell are you saying??” When our pain, wounds and defences speak, our Higher Self can often do nothing but watch. 

Understanding the Theory of Attachment helped me understand myself better, but also see others with more compassion and less judgment. Nobody wakes up in the morning and decides to be an asshole to another being. Our behaviour is the result of our childhood and our often complex lives. But, it also helped me choose better, helped me choose harmony over constant arguments, support over disapproval, nourishment over deprivation, safety over insecurity, and calm over anxiety.

Attachment styles

People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable in a relationship. They are not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the other and the relationship. They are comfortable with intimacy and closeness. Those with an avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable with closeness and preoccupied with their independence and freedom. Someone with an anxious attachment style craves intimacy and can be insecure in the relationship. Disorganised attachment is a bit more complex and carries a little bit of both anxiety and avoidance. 

The same attachment style we have developed as infants and children due to life’s circumstances will run the show in our relationships later, at least until we become more aware of them, and this is where the healing starts. If you are someone with a predominantly anxious attachment style, someone with an avoidant attachment will trigger you and open your wounds. Sometimes these relationships can be a good thing; they can help us dig things out, recognise our patterns and seek therapy to address them. But, in the long run, it’s a hard one to deal with. Finding someone with a secure attachment, on the other hand, can help us heal and become secure ourselves. In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller said it perfectly “You are only as troubled as the relationship you’re in”. 

You are not your defence mechanism

What is important to remember is that we are not our pattern or attachment style. They are our defence mechanism, an armour we have developed to protect ourselves from pain. Underneath the armour lies our essence, and it craves love, trust and connection. We all seek a more profound, supportive and meaningful relationship with another human being. Still, wanting to protect our wounds, we walk around wearing that heavy armour long after the battle. We identify ourselves with it; we embrace it as a part of us, not realising how much lighter we would feel if we took it off. Not realising that, in order to heal those wounds, we must first bring them to light. Of course, that’s easier said than done, and we might need help. Therapy helped me, books helped me, and most of all, love helped me. My armour still hangs in the wardrobe, and sometimes I still feel I need to put it on, if only for a little while, until my shoulders start to hurt from all that weight. And that’s ok. Small steps. 

I hope this helps you see yourself or another in a different light; it helps you understand, and choose not better, but better for YOU. Sending you love.