Adult attachment theory is a tool for a better understanding of ourselves and others. Learning about ourselves and becoming more aware is a crucial first step in understanding how we typically respond to closeness, intimacy, and emotional needs in relationships. It is not a perfect tool, as we are complex beings, but it is a good start when it comes to relationships, both romantic and other. And we know that good, honest relationships are essential for our well-being and happiness. This is the second part of the attachment series. The first, available here, was an intro to this subject. In this post, I will discuss the importance of understanding attachment styles and cover each in detail. In the next, I will focus on the dynamics of different combinations of attachment styles.
The importance of understanding attachment styles
Even though it can be applied to all relationships, adult attachment theory is often used to understand romantic ones, so I will focus on those. Understanding your and your partner's attachment styles can illuminate the relationship dynamics. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might seek more reassurance, while someone with an avoidant attachment style might need more space. This awareness can help you and your partner navigate these dynamics from a space of support and understanding without getting instantly triggered and reactive. Knowing your (and your partner's) attachment style can help you understand why you both react the way you do in times of stress or conflict; recognising attachment-related patterns, such as withdrawal or seeking excessive reassurance, can contribute to mutual compassion and more effective conflict resolution. Moreover, it can improve communication, allowing you to express your needs and concerns more effectively. Some studies show that couples aware of each other's attachment styles can work together to create a secure and supportive relationship and meet each other's emotional needs more effectively.
Adult Attachment Styles
Four attachment styles are recognised: a secure and three insecure attachment styles - anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. It is believed that 70% of the population has a secure attachment style. Before I describe each adult attachment style and how different combinations of attachment styles work together, I want to remind you that our attachment style is formed in childhood due to events we had no choice over. Also, nothing is black or white; there are many shades of grey in between, so you may recognise yourself or another in some but not all characteristics. Certain described behaviours are our defence mechanisms and reactions to pain and fear, not a choice. Having said that, as adults, we could choose to do something about them, so it is important to note that attachment styles are not fixed, and individuals with insecure styles can develop more secure attachments through self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relationship experiences. Understanding and addressing the root causes of insecure attachment can contribute to building more fulfilling and secure connections in adulthood, so I will briefly mention what type of childhood experiences are often the root cause.
Anxious (preoccupied)
Inconsistent caregiving is a common trigger for anxious attachment. Caregivers contributing to this attachment style may have displayed attentiveness to their child's signals at times, yet at other times, they could have been dismissive or punitive. For instance, when the baby seeks affection through cries, the caregiver might occasionally rush to fulfil the need, while at other times, they may opt for the child to self-soothe, disregarding their cries. This inconsistency can make the child perceive their caregiver's actions as unpredictable, which is anxiety-provoking.
Individuals with an anxious attachment style typically harbour a negative self-view. Their belief in being less deserving of love heightens the fear of abandonment, causing intense anxiety at the prospect of solitude. To alleviate this fear, they crave security in relationships, seeking attention, care, and responsiveness as a remedy for their anxiety. Conversely, a perceived lack of support and intimacy can lead to increased clinginess, preoccupation with the relationship, and a desperate need for reassurance. In essence, individuals with this attachment style highly value relationships but remain hyper-alert to threats to their security, often anxious about their partner's commitment.
Managing an anxious attachment style in relationships is challenging, as these individuals are sensitive to their partner's needs but require constant reassurance and affection to feel secure. To avoid abandonment, they may show clinginess, hypervigilance, and jealousy. Their overwhelming fear of solitude compels them to do whatever it takes to maintain their relationship, viewing their partner as the solution to their profound emotional needs. They fall in love easily and show love and affection with various gestures, often very romantic, prioritising the person they are with and going above and beyond to meet their partner's needs. That is until they stop feeling safe. The absence of validation may lead to worry and stress, internalising a perceived lack of love and fearing rejection intensely. If they feel unsafe, they can get either depressed or angry and resentful - even a small sign of unavailability from the partner might lead to jealousy, anger and distrust. When the relationship ends, it often leaves bitterness and resentment to the point that the friendship becomes unlikely. Healing comes from choosing the right partner, recognising these patterns and forgiveness. As with every other insecure attachment, awareness is key. Understanding where certain reactions come from is essential to mitigation. Psychotherapy is always helpful, as well as choosing a partner that will be more understanding and less triggering.
Avoidant (dismissive)
Children of caregivers who were unavailable, dismissive, or generally unresponsive are prone to developing an avoidant attachment style. The caregivers may have been strict, emotionally distant or lacking knowledge and/or experience to care for a child. When a child attempts to seek closeness, comfort, and safety fail, and emotional expressions are met with punishment or shame. Naturally, a child might deal with this by giving up, starting to believe that reaching out for closeness is fruitless or may result in rejection - a belief they carry to adulthood. Often, the caregivers expected the child to be "strong" and independent.
Therefore, it is unsurprising that those with an avoidant/dismissive attachment style prioritise independence and self-sufficiency, particularly on an emotional level. They believe they don't require a relationship to feel whole, avoid dependency and reliance on others, and seek support or approval in social connections. Displaying emotional distance and a tendency to appear cold, avoidant individuals are less inclined to pursue intimacy, often fearing it, and tend to have limited engagement in relationships. Consequently, they actively avoid emotional closeness and may withdraw from a relationship if they sense increasing reliance on the other person. When confronted with emotionally charged situations like conflicts, they are prone to concealing or suppressing their feelings. They might be social and have many friends and relationships, but they tend to rely on themselves for emotional support. Recognising the tendency towards this attachment style can sometimes be tricky because people with an avoidant attachment will often seek relationships and try to form bonds but will do so with unavailable people or those who are not great for them. They might even have long relationships, but only if (subconsciously) the relationship is bound to fail.
Managing the avoidant attachment style in relationships can be challenging due to the strong inclination towards independence and the need for plenty of personal space. People with this attachment style may shy away from long-term partnerships or become uncomfortable when relationships become too emotionally intense. They may also engage in behaviours such as emotional withdrawal or avoidance of conflict, which can strain relationship dynamics. Still, individuals with an avoidant attachment style can develop more secure attachment patterns with more self-awareness, intentional effort, and choosing the right partner. Therapy can also help - by exploring past experiences that contribute to attachment tendencies and challenging negative beliefs about intimacy and dependency, someone with an anxious attachment style can gradually learn to trust and open up to others.
Disorganised (fearful-avoidant)
This is the most complex of the three insecure attachment styles and often stems from more severe physical, verbal or sexual abuse and childhood trauma. Caregivers might abruptly switch from behaviours that are both comforting to those that are threatening, becoming sources of both safety and fear. The erratic and abusive behaviour causes confusion and fear. In such environments, children struggle to develop consistent strategies for seeking comfort or protection, leading to disorganised attachment patterns.
Those with a disorganised attachment style often show a range of complex and contradictory behaviours in their relationships and interactions. They may desire closeness and intimacy but simultaneously fear it due to past experiences of unpredictability. This can result in a reluctance to fully engage in relationships or a tendency to withdraw when emotions become overwhelming; there is an inner conflict between a need for connection and protection against perceived threats or harm. Heightened emotional reactivity and difficulty regulating their feelings, particularly in response to stress or conflict, is often the case. This can contribute to impulsive or erratic behaviour in relationships. In fact, people with disorganised attachment styles are often drawn to chaotic, turbulent relationships characterised by instability and unpredictability. This pattern may reflect a subconscious attempt to recreate familiar dynamics from early caregiving experiences.
Since it often stems from early experiences of abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma that have not been adequately processed or resolved, the best way forward is therapy. Without proper intervention and support, these unresolved issues can continue to impact individuals' relationships and emotional well-being.
Secure attachment style
Secure attachment style stems from consistent and responsive caregiving during childhood, where caregivers sensitively met the child's needs for comfort, support, and emotional validation. As a result, securely attached individuals have internalised a positive model of relationships, believing that others can be trusted and relied upon in times of need.
Considered the healthiest and most prevalent attachment style, secure attachment is characterised by a strong sense of trust, comfort with intimacy, and effective emotion regulation in relationships. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically feel confident in themselves and their connections with others, allowing them to form stable and fulfilling relationships throughout their lives. Communication is characterised by openness, honesty, and empathy; securely attached individuals feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs to others. They also demonstrate active listening skills and a willingness to validate and empathise with their partner's experiences.
Secure attachment fosters a healthy balance between independence and intimacy. They value their autonomy and independence while recognising the importance of emotional connection and mutual support in relationships. This allows them to maintain a sense of self while still prioritising the needs and well-being of their partner. In romantic relationships, securely attached individuals tend to form strong emotional bonds characterised by trust, respect, and mutual admiration. They are less likely to experience jealousy or insecurity as they have a solid foundation of trust and confidence in their partner's commitment and loyalty.
Final thoughts
If you have recognised yourself in one of the insecure attachment styles, understand that they developed as protection mechanisms when you were a child and had limited sources to protect yourself. I often say that no one woke up one morning and decided to be like this or that; we are all doing the best we can with the tools we were given. The first step to healing is to recognise the symptoms - as you become aware of them, look at them with compassion. The second is to find the root cause. Once you do, process the feelings and try to understand and forgive. Finally, know that your life is in your hands now - insecure attachment styles are not written in stone and can be changed with awareness, self-knowledge, compassion, forgiveness and, last but not least, support. There is a deep, innate desire in all of us to connect with another, and we can all form deep, meaningful relationships when we heal our wounds and rid ourselves of our fears and parts of our past.
