I have been in quiet contemplation a lot lately. Nothing bad is happening, quite the opposite, I’m blessed in many ways, but I guess these ponderings come with all the change I’m going through lately; closing my studio, moving to Portugal, letting go of some projects, planning new ones, enjoying a new and beautiful, but still very fresh and long-distance romance. In all the movement it’s not easy to find stillness, and stillness is medicine for my busy, anxiety-prone body/mind. But, looking back I am slowing down and it feels good to finally have more time and space for - me.
My life has always been quite dynamic, moving and doing is in my nature, but the last couple of years it all got a bit too much and before I even noticed I got so tangled up in my plans and projects. Once I noticed I knew it will take a while to untangle. It was a good phase for me, I was in a creative cycle and much abundance in every shape and form came out of it, but the problem is I sometimes don’t know when to stop. So, toward the end of last year, I realized how tired and overwhelmed I am and I slowly started to find ways to make more space. So I closed my yoga studio, decided I'll drop my longest running teacher training (the one in Croatia) for now, cancelled a few workshops and generally learned to say no - to myself and others. Less is truly more and I made a promise to myself to live a more quiet, much slower and simpler life.
However, it's not easy to escape your nature or rather, your pattern. As I was dropping some things, the background programme in my mind started to do its thing - plan to fill the space. "Hey, why don't you do that vegan nutritionist course you wanted to? Now you have time! And what about adding another teacher training this spring? You should read more! And hey, you haven't posted anything on social media in a while! You should definitely write a book…"
It's so easy to fall off the wagon.
But, the thing is, now I am more aware and conscious of those voices in my head and I try to feel into where they come from before I act upon them. It took me a while to first realise they come from different parts of me, and second to learn how to set them apart.
Te first step was to stop glorifying some character traits I have. Until very recently I glorified my always wanting to do, see and learn more. I glorified my impatience and my overachieving, my intelligence, strength and perseverance. I glorified these parts of me until I dared to look at the seed and soil which made them grow and bloom and saw insecurity and fear and heard a voice in the background saying: "You will never be good enough". So I guess I wasn't just 'born with it'!? Crap.
The thing is, to an extent we are born with it, but the fears, traumas, insecurities and those voices from the past have also done their part. But, it’s not all bad either. Everything can serve our growth. Our fears can push forward, add fuel to our fire, and help us transform, help us grow.
Nothing is black and white, good or bad. We are who we are and our true nature is not just something we are born with, but a beautiful, messy tapestry made out of treads of moments and memories, those joyful and painful, those we like to remember and those we prefer to forget. No need to glorify it, no need to be ashamed of it, but rather be mindful and think, say and do from the space of our true selves and not from our fears, traumas and insecurities.
When I catch myself wanting to do this or that I try to sit still and ask myself where this impulse comes from. From which part of me and from what intention? Do I want to do this to prove something? So these thoughts and desires come out of fear? Or do they come from a space of joy of creation?
I know, easier said than done. But, step by step it is a way to living a more mindful life guided by the light in our heart and not the shadow of our past.
Blessings on your path.